I heard there was a sweep stake on the length of the best mans speech. I just went for 35 minutes — so settle in……. No seriously this speech will be a bit like Clive short and not very funny….. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech. That was a messy one! Well, I do hope that Howard and Mary enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I am actually a little nervous doing this, but I feel a bit comforted by the fact I have actually rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience at the local old peoples home, … I think it went well,they all peed themselves anyway. Now this is very slow progress. Scientists have actually created a scale to measure things that move very slowly known as the Sam Davies scale as it based on the time it has taken him to make an honest woman of Sam! In fact this must be the third time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.
When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice Q: What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute? Your job still sucks! What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Funny Quotes, Sayings and One-Liners Jokes on our Main Page! Jokes Categories Here! If you enjoyed this page, you may also like: Dirty Jokes Cheesy Jokes Celebrity Jokes Knock-Knock Jokes Yoga Jokes Cheesy Pick Up Lines.
By Patricia Lantz C. One-line jokes are usually a play on words that involves twisting language with humorous results. The best one-line jokes are puns, sarcasm, and truisms that catch you off guard, offer a quick laugh, and allow you to see the humor in the everyday happenings of life. Of course, any list of best one-liners will be subjective, but those below will make you chuckle and brighten your day.
Now beam down my clothes! This is one of the best because who hasn’t flown somewhere only to arrive at their destination and find their luggage missing? Oh, if only it were as easy as saying, “Beam it down, Scotty! Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Sure, sometimes your GPS is wrong, but most often it’s not. Individuals will argue with their GPS, win, and end up asking it for directions again.
What makes this one so funny is that everyone at one time or another thinks they know better than AI.
Clean short funny jokes Funny one line jokes about dating, relationships and marriage to make you smile. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! Marriage is give and take. My wife and I always compromise. How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
42 Funny One Liner Jokes. by Stephen on March 25, · 55 comments. in Jokes. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes. o O o A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. o O o How do you get a sweet year-old lady to say the F word?
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A closed mouth gathers no foot. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. A day without sunshine is like, night. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. All generalisations are false, including this one.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper. How is a woman like a road?
Absolutely hilarious one liners! The largest collection of the best one line jokes in the world. All rated by visitors and sorted from the best. See TOP 10 witty one-liners.
Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, ‘Ma’am you had twins! Your brother from Cork came in and named them. What’s the boy’s name? Political correctness had developed a momentum all it own. My greater concern is bullying, I am against all forms of bullying both at work and in school.
However, I do believe that areas, which are considered politically incorrect, can still be used for a joke – and this page is one of them! Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You can never be pregnant. Chocolate is just another snack. You can open all your own jars.
Why do women pierce their bellybutton? Place to hang their air freshener. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
What is the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job still sucks. What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself? Why are hurricanes normally named after women? When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them. Why are Penises the lightest things in the world? Even thoughts can raise them. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Well, maybe except really funny short jokes. Reading some good jokes can kick your day off with a laugh and a smile, and why not do just that? To help you we have made a compilation of some of the best of the great jokes and funny one line jokes that we know – on all sorts of topics from short funny jokes to great jokes about countries to dating jokes to jokes about alcohol and much more.
The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. Allan shouted across the garage, ‘Hey Doc can I ask you a question? Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, ‘So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix’em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
When he was called in to see the doctor, Adam slowly got up, and, grasping his cane and hunching over, slowly made his way into the examining room. After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement.
Ronan kept going to the ophthalmic doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. The Doc told him, ‘Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can’t drink tea. A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been.
Whether you got a lot or not dates , you’ll get some grins. Links to lots more dating humor at the bottom. Share your own jokes and feedback in the Comment box. But first, help yourself to the Video Joke of the Day
dating one-liners. Absolutely hillarious flirty one-liners the largest collection of flirty one-line jokes in the sorted from flirty one liners the best by our top 10 flirty one one liners love friendship beauty.
Our aim here is simple. We want you to have fun. So prepare yourself to be wonderfully entertained with this big, varied and hilariously funny collection of short funny jokes. On this humorous journey we will take you to the land of funny jokes of alcohol, through the kingdom of jokes about men and women, into the valley of short hilarious jokes and funny phrases where we will visit the famous sight of the Monty Python Sketch guided by our very own John Cleese and Michael Palin and in the end when we’re all tired and probably will need to rest we plan to stay at the funny old people jokes inn called over the hills jokes.
Ok, fasten your seatbelt and let’s begin this journey of really funny jokes Fields once indignantly asked: What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? Take, for example, this example of a really funny joke: A man walking out of a pub late at night has had a few too many to drink. He walks down the street with one foot on the sidewalk and one foot on the road.
It looks awfully awkward and he seems to have a hard time doing it. A little later a policeman walks up to him and asks, “Well, sir, had one too many to drink, eh? Oh thank God, I thought I was crippled!